I am very pleased to announce that I will be running for President of the United States in 2012.
My motivation is simple: I have reached my limit with today's politicians. There is no limit to the immoral, selfish, and dishonest ends politicians will go to in order to win an election. I will not take any more.
Here is my platform: I will always tell the truth, even if it hurts my campaign. Is the reporter that looks like she hit every branch on the ugly tree on her fall out of it asking me if she is ugly? My response: Your face makes small children run away in fear.
What do I think about abortion? It kills a human being and is evil.
What about the war in Iraq? Our intel was screwed up and we went in when we probably didn't need to. With that said, I think we should continue to kick a** and take names. In 5-10 years, Iraq can stand on its own two feet.
What about Iran? Not to worry. Israel will take their nukes out before we have a chance to. One Israeli has more juevos than every politician in the U.S. Why would they? They understand what we don't: Five minutes after Iran has nukes, they will use them on Israel, then smuggle them into U.S. and use them here.
What about gas prices? Big oil is making too much money on it, oil futures people are making too much, OPEC is making too much. Let's cut them all out of the loop by finally making it a national priority to get rid of the internal combustion engine. Let's get this done in the next 10 years (2018). Once out of the loop, let's ensure we never help them with anything ever again, unless we "help them" like they are helping us now.
What about the economy? Vocabulary word for the day...tariff. Tax crap coming into the country. This will encourage things to start in this country. Once we have stuff made here, we have jobs. Too easy.
What about taxes? Flat tax. Everyone pays the same percentage. Deductions are only used to encourage good behavior, like giving to charitable organizations and raising children.
Illegal immigration? Again, too easy. First word is illegal. Anyone here illegally gets a 1-way ticket back home. They come back, they go to jail. Not nice jail, but Gitmo or crazy Arizona sheriff kind of jail. Hard labor. Oh yeah, and instead of breaking rocks, they pick crops.
2nd Amendment? Someone wants a gun, allow its expense to be deducted from taxes. CCW? Follow Michigan's lead and do the same thing nation wide. Guess what, no more Virginia Techs. One crazy person with gun gets shot by 20 sane people with guns. Woo Hoo.
Environment? We are put on this earth by God and expected to be good stewards. We should live up to that expectation. Does that mean the spotted owl overrules the needs of the nation. Not a chance.
Gay marriage? If gays want something like heterosexual marriage, that's fine with me. They just need to call it something else, like "Gay hooking up." It will come with no privileges, without the ability to adopt children, and with no special standing in society. The word marriage is already taken by heteros. You don't like it, too bad.
Mass media? They are protected, but we will federally subsidize any mass media outlet that drops opinion and starts reporting facts. On day one the cost of this program will be $0.
Military? Double its size now. Also, you don't win wars by defense. Department of Defense goes back to War Department. When we determine someone is a threat, we attack and destroy. As I read earlier today "a dead tango is significantly less trouble than a live one." Also, bypass the whole "augment a person" technology and go straight to having 18 year olds sit at home and "play X-box" with non-AI T-100s. Total casualties = 0. Plus, how bad does it have to suck to go up against a killing machine operated by someone half a world away.
I will post later on cabinet appointees and other topics.
Please post questions for me to answer regarding policy. Also, please start spreading the word. 2012 is coming sooner than you would expect.
Aloha.
